My Imperfect Pregnancy
Nobody talks about this!?
I hated my pregnancy body…there I said it. Taboo? I know! Aren’t all pregnant women supposed to be glowing and so happy all the time, well that’s straight up not how I felt.
My Body image:
I have struggled for many years with my body image. I loved and embraced the label of being the smallest, shortest and thinnest girl in my class. I didn’t reach 100 pounds until I was halfway through high school. I danced as well and being the lightest one was a huge asset when you have people picking you up and “throwing” you around. When I noticed at 16 I was starting to hit puberty I tried to starve myself to prolong the inevitability of gaining weight and growing bigger. As an adult I was still told how thin and petite I was.
Of course you can imagine when I became pregnant I was so excited for a cute little belly to pop out, but what I didn’t realize was how that cute “little” belly would really make me feel. I started to show very early on and would field multiple questions on whether I was expecting twins because I “looked so big”. I was never used to being refereed to as “big” and I naturally started to take offense to it. Later on I had people say I was gaining weight in my face, which was something I couldn’t even fathom. Some went as far to tell me if I had Botox it would tighten that double chin right up. I increasingly became more and more uncomfortable in my own skin, as if pregnancy hormones don’t do that enough. I would receive comments and questions about how much weight I had gained so far. To slowly not fit in to all my pre-pregnancy clothes (even things like loose t-shirts and tank tops), having less options of clothes to wear, my bras not fitting correctly. Not being able to pull my underwear halfway past my thighs, my bikinis getting tighter and thighter. It was a slow and painful reality to start accepting. And the cherry on top, being in quarantine from 18 ish weeks pregnant onward. Just when it was socially accepted to wear sweatpants and pajamas all day that’s all I felt like fit me so I jumped right on that train.
Not being able to do things I used to:
Once I was placed on full bedrest as of 23 weeks it became so much easier to “let my self go”. Turns out my ligaments weren’t strong enough to hold up my uterus so it was resting on my pelvic floor, which caused excruciating pain and pressure when I was in an upright position. I stayed in bed most days sleeping, watching tv or reading. I couldn’t meal prep or cook as healthy meals as I would normally so junk food was a great alternative. I could no longer stand in the shower, I couldn’t make my way up and down the stairs, I stopped exercising, even just walking the dog my husband would push me in a wheelchair. The things that make me happy like having a tidy house, crafting, getting the nursery ready I didn’t feel well enough to do. Eventually when I would be able to do somethings, I would wake up and feel like I could take on anything. I’d accomplish one task on the ever growing to do list and would be in so much pain or simply have a feeling of utter exhaustion. It was so difficult to motivate my self to get shit done and then my body would turn around and fail me when I did feel that spark of motivation. The lack of mobility rocked my world.
Depression:
After feeling out of control of my weight and being bed ridden I noticed my mood starting to take a dive as well. After a traumatic event at 19 I’ve battled depression and anxiety. I realized I was lacking control in my life at that point and felt anxious and unprepared for baby boy’s arrival. I would go through days feeling very low and sad about myself and not wanting to be pregnant anymore. Full disclaimer I’ve always dreamed of being a mom and carrying a baby but I just wanted to hit the fast forward button to where babe was here and I felt like myself again. I was sleeping between 10-12 hours per day. I frequently had melt downs, and not over sappy commercials like you hear about, full blown melt downs about how uncomfortable I was and how I just wanted to feel like myself again on the inside and out.
So what gives? Why does no one talk about this? I know I’m not alone and that there are other people that have struggled with one or maybe all of these things. But this isn’t the glamorous parts of pregnancy, people want to hear about the little kicks, and how fast their heart beat is and know what theme the nursery is going to be. Of course there is the common complaints like back pain, swollen feet and baby brain but those are acceptable because they don’t make others uncomfortable. The topic of body image and depression during pregnancy well that’s just something we’re not supposed to talk about.
Now I’m not just hear to complain about my experience. I want to normalize it and talk about how we are really feeling and what we can do about it.
First be graceful with yourself, you are growing a freaking human being inside of you and you’re allowed to feel all the feelings.
Have a purpose everyday - once I was in quarantine and then wasn’t working at all, I didn’t have a reason to get on with my day. Eventually I would get up do my hair and/or makeup and set out to accomplish something, anything, each day.
Having designated self care days - whether it be painting my nails, curling my hair, doing my eyebrows, going for a massage, eating my favorite healthy (sometimes unhealthy) foods. It truly made me feel better to take time for myself.
Having the support of my husband - I was consistently open with my emotions and everything I was feeling. I made it my mission to make him understand exactly what was wrong and why I wasn’t myself. Through every melt down he was there to pick me up (God bless that man!). I don’t think in the 7 years prior we’ve been together that he’s told me I am beautiful as much as he did when I was pregnant, I needed that.
Find clothes that fit - whether it was purchasing all new bras or underwear or getting myself that cute dress that will flatter my body perfectly, I did it.
Daily affirmations - I kept telling myself that my baby was growing and healthy. I also told myself that I’d feel like myself again and I’d get back in shape but for now this was all part of the process.
I committed to myself as soon as I was able to that I’d workout and eat well postpartum and that I would see results.
These are just a few things that helped me go through my imperfect pregnancy, because let’s be real what pregnancy is perfect?