What If…?

What if I had woken up with him that morning when he first cried? What if he stayed at my parents house the night before? What if we hadn’t stayed up late that night and slept in? What if the prescribed Tylenol and Morphine I took while pregnant killed him? What if I had too many ultrasounds and various scans? What if Beau didn’t die? What if this happens again? These are the questions that live on an endless reel in my mind. What if? It’s not just these questions though it’s the greater what if that haunts me? What if I did something wrong or could have stopped this from happening? I can think of a million and one what ifs but that’s the main one that it boils down to.

People say often times in grief we find reason to blame ourselves or others and I find this to be true for myself. Even though you can be told tirelessly that it’s not your fault, you did nothing wrong, you have to learn and grow to accept that as truth. Am I there yet? I don’t know? Part of me thinks if I was I wouldn’t ask the what ifs, but then again I don’t know if I’ll ever stop asking myself that.

I think being a SIDS mama brings on it’s own set of what ifs and whys because there is no answer. There is speculation but nothing tangible. I want to have faith and hope that this tragedy will never strike us again but what if it does? I’ve always said no matter what I would go through this pain and heartbreak all over again for those three and half months with Beau. Even if I knew it would be the same outcome. He was worth it.

So let’s flip the script. What if Beau was born to change the world? What if this changes our lives and the lives of so many? What if we do have more babies and this doesn’t happen? What if everything turns out to be fine? What if we’re more than fine? What if we live happily ever after? That’s all anyone can hope for so let’s try and focus on that.

What are your what if….?