Grief and Resentment
It breaks my heart to see your baby.
That’s not easy to admit, but it’s the truth and I think it’s totally normal.
I remember within an hour of our son’s passing a woman walked by us at CHEO with her baby in a stroller and all the emotions sunk in. Why does she get to have her baby and I don’t? I felt hatred towards her and her baby. I felt sadness for myself, for my son, that he didn’t get to live.
In the coming days, weeks and months I scrolled Instagram and Facebook and saw all my friends and those I follow with their babies. My first thought was always, “Why would you post this? Don’t you know I’m grieving?” I had so much resentment that their babies were alive and well. Growing and thriving. I felt left behind because my life had stopped but everyone else’s worlds kept turning. I thought other’s would recognize that I would see their posts and it would cause me pain. But that’s not the way it works. Don’t get me wrong friends and family will feel immense sorrow for your loss but they can’t even begin to imagine how you feel. They also aren’t doing this on purpose. The photos, videos and milestone memories they share are not meant for you. They are sharing for themselves, their families and friends. You are not their target audience. This wasn’t intended to cause you pain or grief.
I often saw baby commercials, ads and emails about my babies milestones and thought the universe was just rubbing it in. I’d have conversations with those that knew my pain but would shy away from speaking of it. I felt rage that some people wouldn’t address my son’s passing.
I now recognize that news flash the world doesn’t revolve around me and my grief. Life goes on with or without us. I carry Beau forward with me everyday but that doesn’t mean that my son is at the forefront of everyone’s minds. I love to talk about my son, as most parent’s do, it brings me joy to speak about him. With that being said for some it brings discomfort. The feeling of not knowing what to say. Here’s the answer: THERE IS NO RIGHT THING TO SAY. But just say something. It will be healing for everyone.
“Before I ever carried the pain, I carried you.
And in my heart, I carry you still.”
