A Love Letter to My Son

The day my brother and I were both born my dad wrote both him and I a letter to read on our 18th birthdays. When my brother got his letter I was so jealous and couldn’t wait for the day to come when I could read mine. I often still read it to this day. I knew as soon as I found out about my letter that I wanted to do that for my children too. So naturally when Beau passed my husband and I each wrote him a letter. Today I share mine in hopes to connect with other parents in this journey through loss and grief.

Dear Beau,

My sweet sweet boy. How did this happen to you? To us? I still ask myself that everyday. It’s not fair, and we’ll never understand it. But the one thing I do know is that your daddy and I will never stop loving you.

I’ve imagined writing you this letter so many times but in my mind you were 18 years old reading it and smiling. I never could have imagined this. You were supposed to outlive us all, but here we are all left behind dealing with the pain of losing you. I had your whole future thought out. Now I think about not being able to live out mine without you. But I know that’s selfish of me. I have to stay here with your dad because he needs me now and you don’t. You needed me for such a short time but it was the best time of my life.

Beau I’ll always be your mom and you’ll always be my boy. Even though we can’t be together in person, you’re always in my heart and on my mind. You will never be forgotten. No matter the years that go by, the other children we have, or the things we’ve missed out on with you. We will look back fondly and always remember our little Beau bear.

I promise to always celebrate your birthday and remember your legacy. I’ll remember and celebrate the mom you made me to be on that day, and the mom I am now because of you. I promise to always hold you in my heart. I promise not to remember you as you were on that horrible day but how you were every other day of your life. I promise to speak about you every moment I get, but not in sadness, in memory of who you were and all that you touched. I promise to never let you down and always make you proud of me.

Don’t worry about me, okay buddy? We’ll be okay. I don’t know how we will be okay but we will. I’m going to take care of your daddy too. He may not seem like he needs it because he was Superman to you. But only I know the pain he feels from losing you. I also know the love he feels for you and we both need that back in our lives. I’m going to give that to him, even if it hurts me now. I know that’s what we need to help heal. To see you again, through your siblings. We will do all of this in your memory. All your siblings will be named after you. They will know their big brother Beau. They will love you. We will all be a family as it should have been.

Beau there are some things I am not proud of. I’ve done and thought things that a mother never should. I have to tell myself that that was not me. I was sick. That wasn’t your mom. The mom I was in your final two months with us was me. I am proud of her. I am proud of your mom. But I learned how to become her from you. Both of your grandmas helped teach me how to be your mom. The best mom I could be for you. The mom that loves you so much buddy. I know that maybe because of the mom I was in the beginning that we had some time taken from us. But because of that, your grandparents all got to know you so much more. I know they couldn’t be more grateful for that time with you.

I know that everyone says 2020 was an awful year but for our family it was the best year of all. You brought light during darkness. Peace during uncertainty. And hope for the future. I always said you were born to shine. This little Beau of mine, you were born to shine. Born to shine, you will shine. Beau will shine. I know you are shining down on us every day.

Beau, thank you for all you’ve done for us. You were meant to be ours and us yours. I have to look to the future in this sadness. I hope to see you everyday in your brothers and sisters. You have forever changed me. I will always be grateful to you and for you. The time we spent together doesn’t seem like enough, but I also know that a lifetime with you wouldn’t have felt long enough either. I’m just so happy I got to experience your love and what it felt like to not only be a mom, but to be your mom.

I miss you every day. You’ve changed me as a person. I am better because of you. You are forever with me.

Beau, you’ve changed all of our lives. I don’t know why this happened but you are changing the world because of it. I will continue to change the world in your name. Everyone will know you.

It seems fitting to say goodnight in this way one last time. But before I do, please know, I love you. I miss you. And I will never forget you.

You are my Beau bear, my only Beau bear.

You make me happy on dark days.

You’ll never know Beau how much I love you,

So please don’t take my Beau bear away.

No one will take my Beau bear away.

Mama always loves you squishy baby. Until we meet again my sweet sweet boy.

Love always and forever,

Your Mama

xox