Our Story
On December 13th, 2020 we lost the greatest love we’ve ever known, our precious baby boy, Beau.
Everything will be fine. Not now it won’t. Today it will not be fine. But one day it will all be fine. Those are the words my mother-in-law said to me as she held me and we both cried.
On weekends Mario would take the early shift with Beau so I could sleep in. But the night before we were a little out of routine. We came home from my parents around 10pm and Beau was already sleeping so we put him right to bed.
We stayed up later than usual that night so when Beau woke up at 6am the next morning Mario fed him and promptly put him back to bed thinking he could sneak in another hour. When we woke up at three hours later we experienced every parent’s worst nightmare as our reality. Beau was not breathing. Mario acted fast and began CPR while I called 911.
When the emergency services showed up and took over they told us they had to head to the hospital. We followed them by car. Mario dropped me off at the emergency entrance, while he parked the car. A nurse at CHEO (Children’s Hospital of Eastern Ontario) walked me into a room before we could see Beau. Once Mario came we were ushered into the room where they were working on Beau.
Beau laid limp and lifeless while they performed CPR on him. The Doctor instructed his team that they would do one more round of CPR before they “called it”. Mario and I stood there holding each other and all I remember him saying was, “come on buddy, come on buddy, come on buddy’. The next thing we knew the Doctor said “Can we please have a moment of silence for the family and the deceased”. The words just didn’t connect. In that moment nothing made sense. Our three and a half month old perfect baby boy was gone?
We were given some time to hold him and say our goodbyes. It just felt like he was sleeping. Everything felt like a dream. This couldn’t truly be happening. Thankfully even through the pandemic we were allowed to bring our immediate family in to say their goodbyes.
Following that Mario started to go into shock. He had a panic attack and lost feeling of his limbs. They had to call a doctor and place him on a stretcher. He was probably in that state for an hour at which time I couldn’t be with him for my own mental state was crumbling.
Once Mario was alright we met with the Coroner and Investigators. They explained the process of the autopsy, that they suspected not to find anything and that the cause of death was likely SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome), they walked us through the investigation process. After they were done they asked us a million and one questions. Some of the questions were hard to hear because they have to ask you if you would or have ever hurt your child. It’s nothing any parent should be asked but they conducted themselves with the utmost respect for us and Beau. At the end of the day we all just wanted to find out what happened to him.
When we were finished Mario asked the Coroner how often does this happen? How do you protect your child when you put them down to bed? Is this a one in a million that this happens? I didn’t know at the time but he said what we most needed to hear. This is not your fault. You couldn’t have done anything to prevent this. It is rare that this happens but when it does there is no chance of survival. Beau’s brain just stopped telling him to breath. We took comfort knowing he didn’t suffer. Of course there is still that little voice in your head wondering if he was silently calling out for me and I wasn’t there for him.
In Beau’s short life time he made the biggest impact on everyone that knew him. I would always sing this little light of mine to Beau. I changed the words to this little Beau of mine, you were born to shine. I truly believe Beau is our bright light and he was born to shine. Beau is not with us physically anymore but he shines down on us everyday.
“Child loss is not an event, it is an indescribable journey of survival”