Fourth Trimester
I was on the phone with my insurance company for short term disability and the lady said “well if you think your pregnancy condition is bad just wait, better in than out”. I thought excuse me lady? You have no idea how I feel so how could you be so insensitive. In her defense she had a point but that’s probably not what you should say to a 39 week pregnant woman.
The forth trimester was my hardest. It was my favorite but also the hardest. They say you are never prepared for having a baby and that’s no joke. There were days in the beginning where Beau just wouldn’t sleep and would cry incessantly. The doctor said he was colic because he was gaining weight and seemed to be a good eater. Mario and I were in shock by how long Beau would eat for. Some days he’d be on me for 2-3 hours feeding. I struggled to breastfeed early on. The nurses at the hospital after Beau was born were quick to offer formula in substitution of breastfeeding. Beau was a hangry little milk man so I don’t blame them but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I wish we tried harder.
I started noticing my disassociation with Beau. I was showing signs of post-partum depression (PPD) and post-partum anxiety (PPA) very early on and I knew this wasn’t just the baby blues. I have vivid memories of wanting to throw myself and Beau out our two story window in the middle of the night. I would go for walks everyday and not one car passed by without me thinking of jump in front of it. I went to 6 different doctor appointments for various things for myself or Beau and each time I requested medication. Having a history of depression and anxiety I knew I was more susceptible to have PPD/A. I made certain to warn my husband and he always said don’t be silly you’ll love our baby so much that could never happen. What we both didn’t realize is that it can happen so fast. Mario realized it had nothing to do with the love I had for Beau but it was chemical. During these last few dark months, I think back to something my mom said to me during those first weeks. She said, “this isn’t you, you’re sick and you don’t really feel like this”.
After having to advocate for myself on numerous occasions I had a full blown melt down and couldn’t take care of myself let alone Beau. I went to the doctors and was immediately prescribed medication. My doctor strongly felt that I should not be Beau’s primary caregiver or be around him for long periods of time until my medication kicked in. Thankfully both of our parents live in town and traded off duties for roughly a week and a half. I was humiliated. I felt like a teen parent that was told they couldn’t look after their child and had them taken away. Knowing this was the best thing for Beau and I, I didn’t have a choice. This built a stronger bond between Beau and his grandparents though. They all loved having him around, even if it did mean late night feeds. This also solidified our decision to exclusively formula feed. I still believe this was the best thing we could have done for Beau. He was the happiest, well fed, well rested baby around. He slept for hours on end. Even towards his last month Beau was sleeping upwards of 12 hours per night. Mama was a very happy camper as I’m sure you can imagine.
Post-partum is one of the hardest things I had been through. But with a little bit of medication, lots of family and friend support, we made it through. Of all the things I’ve learned I couldn’t be more grateful to Beau for making me the mama I am today. I know with our next baby we will be quick to offer formula because that is what might be best for me and what’s best for me is best for my baby. I also know I will definitely be more of an advocate for myself and my mental health and be on medication from the get go.
Thank you Beau for going through one of the hardest journeys with your mama and for showing me patience and grace when I needed it. Those first three months with you were the best of my life. Mama loves and misses you buddy!