Surviving the Death of a Child
What Helped Me?
When we lost Beau it felt like our world was over, but that’s the strange thing about loss, it always does feel like that. In reality everyone else’s lives pause for just a moment and then they press play and continue on like nothing happened. It’s those that were closest to that person that stand still for what feels like a life time.
Grief is not linear. We forge our own path with which ever tools we have to push forward. These are a few ways that I used to cope and merely just exist somedays, which can feel impossible. They may resonate with you or they may not. I just ask that you respect how I chose to go down my journey as I do yours.
Holding on to Precious Items:
Mario and I were very intentional by keeping most of all of Beau’s toys, clothes and other items out. We felt our home already seemed empty without Beau so that’s why we wanted to keep his belongings out. We kept his door open everyday. It was painful to sometimes pass by but it was healing to not shut the door on all these memories and pack everything away. It felt like if we had we were denying his existence in our home and our hearts.
I also sleep with a blanket and sock under my pillow. Every night, as I fluff my pillow before I lay to rest I hold those items and kiss them. I know they no longer smell like him but it keeps us connected and is a gentle reminder of him. I don’t know how long this will go on but I am not forcing it either way. This is an organic ritual for me to feel my son’s presence.
Continuing to Make Memories:
My husband and I had big dreams for our little boy. Hockey is a big part of our lives and we knew it would be one of Beau’s first loves. When we laid Beau to rest, like most, we thought of all the things we would never get to do with him. Hockey was one of those things. Beau was born in the Summer of an odd NHL season so he got to watch hockey with his Dad the day after he was born. Mario yearned for the day he could take Beau on the hockey rink. To hold him as he dug his blades into the ice. Feeling the cool Winter’s air on both of their faces. After Beau’s passing Mario approached me with the idea of taking Beau’s sleigh, his blankets and his urn to the ODR (outdoor rink). He still wanted that experience with Beau even if it wasn’t how we imagined it. I thought it was so unique and such a tribute to keeping him integrated into our life and our family. It was hard but we did it. We bundled up and walked Beau out to the ODR down the street at 10pm one night and went for a skate. It was one of the hardest most precious things we have done. Making a memory to last us a lifetime will always be something we will treasure. What is something you always wanted to do that you didn’t get the chance? Can it still be done in a different way?
Creating Traditions:
Whether it’s your child’s birthday, holidays or death date, or as someone once said to me Angel-versary, there are ways to incorporate them into these traditions.
On Christmas Beau was supposed to give Daddy a custom made book called “Beau You’ll Always Be My Little Boy”. Unfortunately, Beau never had the chance to make it to Christmas but we were still able to give the book to Daddy and the book had double the meaning then. For Beau’s 6 month birthday and over two and half months since his passing, we brought his urn up to his room and read him that story. Much like our skating experience it wasn’t easy, but for us it was important that we did it. We want to continue the tradition of reading to him and reading that book to our future children.
We already have plans for his 1st birthday. This is a time to not be sad but to celebrate his life and the time we did get to spend with him. We want to gather all of our family together and make a cake to celebrate that he would be one year old.
We are going to continue to hang a stocking for Beau at Christmas and place his ornaments on the tree.
It is most important to us that we continue this journey with him as part of our family. I am sure other traditions will come up throughout the years and some may drop off but one thing will stay true and that is that Beau will always be with us.
Finding your Purpose:
I’ve always tried to look for meaning behind the things that have happened in my life. The saying when one door closes another one opens has always been true for me. When I was 19 I was drugged and sexually assaulted, I couldn’t imagine what good could come of that. Turns out years later I started working for United Way which supported one of the organizations I received help from during that dark time. Today I speak about that to organizations in hopes of gaining their support for such initiatives. This gave purpose to that horrific experience for me.
Today I seek that same feeling. Why did this happen to me? What am I supposed to do to give Beau’s life more meaning. How can I help others suffering this same pain? This blog is one of those things for me. I also aspire to connect with other mums and dads. I want to be for others what other women have been for me. I dream of connecting with other loss parents through matching and mentorship programs and continuing to fundraise for our charity of choice and potentially look at board member roles. I have found a voice and purpose through our tragedy and want to listen and be heard.
It is no secret that I am still navigating this new journey and I will continue to search for things that will help me and maybe help other people that find themselves in this horrific reality. I hope that no one finds themselves having to read this but if you do I hope maybe this somehow helps you as it has me.
“Grief is the last act of love we have to give those we loved. Where there is deep grief, there is great love.”